this is the beginning to one of the shory stories that i wrote. help me to paint a nice picture in the readers mind about whats going on in this school. enjoy.
Its was just like any other day at
Pembroke. I drove in right as the bell was ringing and class was starting. My
first class was Latin. There were a lot of cool people in it, only problem was
that the teacher was a stiff. Last time she laughed Bob Hope could actually
count backwards from 10. You see today was my best friends birthday, and he sat
next to me in Latin. I had asked the teacher yesterday if I could bring in some
cookies for him and she immediately shut that down. So I did it anyway. I made
enough for everyone to have one cookie, only problem was they were peanut
butter cookies. Matt Jones is allergic to peanut butter. So Matt has a near
death experience blah blah blah… I end up in my good old friend Mr. Zinga’s
office. Mr. Zinga is the principal at Pembroke, and me and him have, well, a
rather expansive history. Every since I put ketchup packets under the toilet
seats freshman year he’s been on me like white on rice. Anyway, he sits me down
just like always, looks up at the clock, then the ground, then up to me. He
starts going on about the same shit as usual, how I need to be more aware,
listen to the teachers, respect the other students…then he stops and looks
right at me. He says that he is tired of seeing me in his office, and if I get
sent back to him again im not playing hockey this season. Now at first I
thought he was bluffing, I sat back in my seat, crossed my arms and gave him
the good old mafia stare down. It didn’t seam to work this time. Was he
serious? I slowly stood up and left his office.
I thought that this opening had painted a fair picture of your story, however, there are a lot of place for improvement. A lot of your sentence are brief and unconnected, which sometimes made it really hard to tie everything together. At other times, I think that you need to tie the things together. Some of the imagery is strong while the other parts can be a lot better. Hope this helps!
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