This is a very small part of my nanowrimo story where some drama happens at a Halloween party. Feedback?
“Brian!” Blaire squealed and went to hug him. Lynn backed away awkwardly, and Brian blushed and hugged her. “Why haven’t you called me back?” she asked in a voice as sugary sweet and sticky as a toddler that hasn’t had a bath in too long.
“I’m sorry about this,” Brian said to Lynn, over Blaire’s shoulder. Lynn nodded, but I could tell she wasn’t fine with it. Who would be? The most obnoxious person possible had just interrupted her date. At her party.
“Brian?”
“I’ve been really busy,” he said, in a weak attempt to get her to leave him alone. No such luck.
“What kind of excuse is that?”Blaire almost shouted.
Emily looked over from the other room. I gave her a look that I hoped said ‘what is going on??’ and she shrugged, looking apologetic. “Sorry,” she mouthed. Or maybe she said it. It was so loud that there was no way I would be able to tell the difference.
“Is everything okay over here?” Jake walked over to where Blaire was yelling at Brian. “This is none of your business, Mickey Mouse,” Blaire said.
“Jake,” I called. There was no way I was going to go over there. He turned around. “They’re fine,” I said. I didn’t want him getting involved. Getting involved with Blaire could never be a good thing. That was something everyone at that party knew. Especially Brian.
I want to understand it, because it sounds interesting. However, I was confused by the character's. I know that Blaire likes Brian but Brian's on a date with Lynn. But who was the narrator, and I couldn't see how Jake and Emily fit into it.
ReplyDeleteCareful of slight, but very common grammatical errors. "as a toddler that hasn't had a bath in too long." Is better phrased as, "as a toddler that hasn't taken a bath in a very long time." Also, don't be afraid to add in extra descriptions so that help the reader to fully understand the situation. So for instance, take. "Blaire squealed and went to hug him. Lynn backed away awkwardly, and Brian blushed and hugged her." and maybe change it to, "Blaire squealed and threw her arms around Brian, he blushed but eventually returned the hug. Lynn felt awkward standing next to them so she backed away slightly." Just a different type of sentence structure that I feel could help out your writing.
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