Yo I wrote this for Writing Exercise 38, the day of the one and only Greene Bean's 40th birthday. It was inspired by real events so let me know if you < 3 it. What can I do to make the cookie cake sound as delicious and perfect as it tasted? Should I make the falling of the cookie more dramatic!?!!?!?!? HMU HOMIES PCE
It was a somewhat dreary day at Nashua South. But this wasn't any ordinary rain day, it was Greene Bean's 40th birthday and nothing could make this day bad. By the time second block rolled around, Greene Bean couldn't contain his excitement. His perfect angel students came floating into his classroom to shower him with a feast. There were cookies, brownies, and drinks galore. But the world stopped when Jon Manheim entered the room with the most beautiful gift of al. It couldn't be a 40th birthday without a cookie cake. Mr. Greene began drooling as he watched Manheim Proudly stumble in the door with it. There was no doubt he would get below an A+ now. Greene began getting a little too excited, pushing everyone and everything out of the way so he could reach the precious treat. As he did so, though, the cake slipped and crashed to the ground. The other children all watched with terror as tears filled their eyes. For a minute, everyone stood in silence and stared at the now destroyed cookie. It had been broken in a perfect line right down the middle. "Have no fear, children!" Mr. Greene shouted triumphantly as he whipped out a clean roll of duct tape. He slapped one big piece down the middle and the students enjoyed the cookie cake as Mr. Greene enjoyed the best possible.
this made me laugh. it was funny and very well put together, but i think the cookie falling could've been more suspenceful and dramatic. maybe you could make it seem like mr. Greene was watching it in slowmotion. maybe he could scream "nooooo!" and fall to his knees in agony over it. or all the kids could begin to turn on him, angry, wanting vengence for the broken cookie.
ReplyDeleteNice story. I don't mean to skew the story, but I'm pretty sure it took two pieces of duct tape. Other than that this is a completely accurate description of that day, kudos on the proper recollection. I liked this story a lot, probably because I'm in it and you spelled my name right. I agree with Snappy McPeanuts in that the cake should fall in slow motion. Slow mo makes everything better. Doing the dishes is boring, but then add in some slow mo, and now you have an action scene. Great job overall though, I like how Greene began drooling when the cake entered the room, but let's be honest, everyone was drooling when that glorious cookie entered the room. Keep writing the good stuff, also hmu and we'll get some magical cookies at the mall ;)
ReplyDeleteBaby, I'm amazed by you. You are mine, my boo. About this story, wow. Just wow. Baby, this is absolutely fierce. Not just fierce. Sasha Fierce. I love the imagery when Jon walks into the room with the beloved cookie cake!! I feel like I'm there and there's a light beam around him because he's an angel. I agree with "Snappy McPeanuts" up there. I think the suspenseful "Noooooo!" would really add another element to this thrilling tale. Although, I disagree on the angry vengence. C'mon Snappy McP's, we could never hate Mr. Greene! This made me want more cookie cake. Let's go buy some please. ILYSM!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteP.s. I agree with the big Jon Man when he said "I like how Greene began drooling when the cake entered the room, but let's be honest, everyone was drooling when that glorious cookie entered the room." HI GUYS. DELICIOUS. I NEED ONE NOW. Also, i think you should address the fact that duct tape can't like actually hold a cookie cake together. You're WICKED silly! Hehehe xoxoxo pce.
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