This is part of my radio play. I'm looking for advice on how I can make this better. Also what is your opinion of this?
1. MARCUS: Look at these people Jack. Instead of walking on this wonderful afternoon, they’re driving everywhere.
2. JACK: Oh calm down Marcus. If people started walking places, the sidewalks would be overflowing. Why not look at the people who are in the park itself?
3. MARCUS: I’m looking and all I see is two kids screaming to their mother about who knows what. Other than that this place is emptier than a yard on a sunny afternoon.
4. JACK: Will you stop being so pessimistic? People are never going to change so you’re going to have to get over it. Waiting for that to happen is like waiting for a wish to come true.
5. MARCUS: I wish you’d shut up.
6. JACK: You can keep wishing for that but it isn’t going to happen. C’mon let’s go get something to drink. There’s a corner store right over there. These people aren’t going anywhere.
7. MARCUS: Fine but you’re buying the drinks.
Scene Two: Int. Corner store-Late afternoon
8. SOUND: BELL RINGING AS JACK AND MARCUS ENTER CORNER STORE.
9. MARCUS: Let’s make this quick. That cashier is sketchy as hell. I don’t like the beady look in his eyes.
10. JACK: Oh will you relax. The cashier isn’t going to do anything horrible. Now calm down and just get what you want to drink.
11. MARCUS: Fine. I’ll get the root beer.
12. JACK: Alright. I’ll get the orange soda.
13. SOUND: BELL RINGS AGAIN AS JACK PAYS FOR THE SODAS AND THEY LEAVE THE STORE.
Scene Three: Ext. Dimly Lit Street-Around 7 pm
14. MARCUS: Hey uh Jack? Am I going crazy but weren’t there people out here before?
15. JACK: (PAUSE) Yes there were. I wonder where they went…..
16. SOUND: DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.
17. MARCUS: Hey! Did you hear that dog?
18. JACK: Yup. Let’s go check it out.
This definitely has some interesting ideas and great potential. I can predict twists coming up soon after you left off and I'm wondering what's going to happen next. It most certainly intrigued me, although I wasn't sure where you were going with it at first. I thought maybe Marcus was going to talk about how he hated people. Also, I think more sounds may be needed such as footsteps when they walk into places or the background sounds of the people which would help define the eerie lack of people when they come back to the store.
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