Does this all make enough sense? I'm not sure if it's easy to tell what's going on or not. Feedback, please!
Blood coated her pearl-white teeth. The metallic taste was sickening to Natalie, but she continued to eat the brains of of her fallen comrades. She couldn't disappoint her team by not following through. By pretending to be a zombie, she had penetrated the zombies's base. Now it was feeding time, and Natalie was left with no choice. "Think of the team." She repeated over and over in her head. Really, brains were pretty nutritious, but disgusting nonetheless. While Natalie ate she scanned the crowd. She saw lots of zombies, obviously, but she was looking for someone in particular; their creator. He was a human scientist named McChicken who invented the virus in his basement. After he injected the first person, the takeover was inevitable. If she could kill him her mission would be a success. There! On an elevated platform overlooking the swarms of the undead stood a man with wild hair and thick glasses. He smiled wickedly down at his creations. Natalie edged through the crowd as inconspicuously as possible. She was now so close to the platform that she could see every line on McChicken's weathered face. Without taking her stare off of the villain, she reached for the pistol at her side and-- CHOMP! Natalie screamed and looked down at her hand. Green, viscous liquid oozed out of the bite marks. She knew in a matter of seconds her humanity would deteriorate completely. This was her only chance. She frantically grabbed the gun and fired. Her vision was starting to go red. The last thing she saw through human eyes was her bullets burying themselves in McChicken's chest.
I think your piece makes a lot of sense. It opens with natalie eating brains, it explains why she is eating brains and then she completes her task. I think you did a nice job explaining what was going on and why. You also did a good job with introducing new characters. Then your ending has a bit of mystery because McChicken could possibly still be alive. Very nice piece.
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely one of my favorite one of your stories, which is kind of bizarre because I'm not super into zombies usually. This story is almost perfect, I wish there was more to it. The one thing I would add would be more about Natalie's team. She obviously cared about these people, she didn't want to disappoint them, but there's not any information about them. Why didn't anyone else from the team help Natalie kill McChicken? Were they dead? Captured? Maybe they were off defeating less significant villains that were part of McChicken's regime. Was her team the same people that were her "fallen comrades"? That's the only thing that lacked sense, everything else was easily understood. I love it. If you wanted to make the zombie bite more obvious, you could mention that it was a zombie that bit Natalie, or add a little bit more clarification to that part. It was pretty easy to understand, but might need explaining for some people. If you decided to make this into a longer story, you should try explaining why McChicken was the only one that could cause the zombie takeover, and why the zombies couldn't do it without his help. Anyways, super awesome great story.
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