Do you think i should have used a different weapon besides a tennis racket when Carla gets hit in the face? can anyone else think of something else i could have used? In real life I don't think it would have been possible for Carla to get away.
Carla was terrified as she crouched down in a little corner of the shed. She was in a panic, she suddenly recalls the reason she is in this situation.
Carla and her two friends decided to go off the main trails, even though some of the towns people said never go off the trails. The three did anyway they wanted to see what else was in the forest. They agreed not to go far from the trail but eventually they got lost. The three teens were trying to find there way out of the woods all night but they couldn’t. Early the next morning they had spotted a house.
Tired, hungry and lost, they rushed to the house hoping for some help. When they got there a creepy older man opened the door. He invited them in and offered them drinks. Carla’s friends Matt and Staci took the drinks and drank them gladly. Carla took hers but did not drink it. A few moments later Matt and Staci were both on the ground knocked out. Carla knew the man must have put something in the drinks.
She ran but on her way out of the door Carla was hit with a tennis racket. She didn’t stop, she kept running even though she was dizzy. Eventually she ended up here in this little shed. Her mouth hurt, she opened it and looked at her self in a broken piece of mirror on the floor. Blood coated her pearl-white teeth.
Oooo it's a cliff hanger! XD I really enjoyed reading this. The concept was nice and the way you ended it was cool. Everything seemed to flow well together and I could fully understand what you were going for. I like that it was a tennis racket that hit Carla. It was a bit unexpected and honest. It seems like getting hit in the face with a tennis racket would hurt...and suck lol. Maybe a different weapon could be a baseball bat or a shovel? I like it the way it is so it's completely up to you with how you feel it. Overall, this was very good. My only criticism is to double check spelling/ grammar, try to give a little bit more set up, and add a bit more detail. In the beginning, try to think about why the forest is off limits to the kids. Did something terrible happen in there? Did they already know what they were getting themselves into? When I say add more detail I'm thinking of just more descriptive words. Try to describe things a little bit for the reader, but don't overload it. I really enjoyed this. Awesome job :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a really interesting story! In this sort of situation, it seems pretty realistic, too. I think it makes sense that Carla gets hit with a tennis racket; it's just what the madman had on hand, right? Your writing seemed a little stiff or repetitive at times. Maybe try reading it out loud so you can hear for yourself if it flows or not. There were also a few spelling errors and what not, just make sure you double check for that. Overall I really liked it! I think you should make it into a longer story sometime. I would really like to read more details about how the girls got there, what happens next, how Carla makes it out, etc. It was a really great read, and a pretty good warning, too. :)
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