This is a small section of my screen play: Ninja Babies. Alice is the mother of twins. The son is controlled by a microchip in his brain while the daughter is not. Evil King Henry created the ideas for the microchips. The son, Laurie, has just told King Henry that he has a sister (she was kept hidden from him) The set up is messed up...
INT. ENGLAND THRONE ROOM- DAY
We see Alice’s throne room. She looks teary-eyed from the loss of her husband. She rises when Henry and her son enter the room and they walk in.
ALICE
Alice curtseys.
And what brings you to my humble palace, King Henry?
HENRY
Your son has told me some interesting things.
ALICE
Has he?
She looks at Laurie and then back up at Henry.
HENRY
Yes, and I want to know if these things are true. Do you have a daughter, Alice?
ALICE
No, just my son.
HENRY
Your son seems to think differently.
ALICE
Perhaps his microchip is disturbing his brain.
LAURIE
Mom, Lyla can’t be a secret anymore. It would be a betrayal to King Henry.
HENRY
I am growing quite fond of your boy. Laurie, go and find your sister.
LAURIE
Yes, my king.
Laurie leaves. King Henry stares at Alice.
ALICE
I have no daughter; you will find no girl here.
HENRY
Your son would not lie to me; he cannot lie to me.
ALICE
Perhaps his microchip is defective.
HENRY
Perhaps you have not been loyal to your king.
ALICE
I have done nothing against you.
HENRY
But you have. Hiding a very dangerous defective child from me?
I am not pleased.
Alice says nothing. Laurie enters.
LAURIE
She’s not here, my king.
HENRY
Where is she, Alice?
ALICE
I’ve told you before; I have no daughter.
HENRY
Laurie, I want you to take your mother back to my palace. She will remain there
until she tells me where your sister is.
LAURIE
Yes, my king.
HENRY
I don’t think you understand how dangerous defects are.
Laurie leads his mother away.
I've never written a screen play before, is there two much or not enough dialog? Is there useless directions? Clear scene description?
The name drew me in but the script left me confused. I'm not sure what setting this is in. If it's a king and queen then it must be midevil times, but then you talk about microchips, which is futeristic. Also they talk with no slang, and we'd like to think that characters use proper grammar, but even kings wouldn't talk so formal. So yes the set up is quite messed up. But also try to remember the little details. Next time make sure you fully understand your story and characters before writting it.
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