One mistake Too Many

This is a small part of my screenplay for creative writing. It's about a woman whose mind is too curious for her own good and enters a seemingly abandoned house. I like the idea for it but I'm uncertain if there's too much description in it for a screenplay. Any friendly advice would be welcome.

Ext. Random Street-7 pm

The street is dimly lit and is practically deserted except for ROSE who is going for her nightly walk.She stops in front of a worn down abandoned house. The house has tattered curtains, broken windows, and most of the wood appears to be rotted or partially rotted. The lawn shows lack of care with overgrown roots and dry grass. A face briefly appears in the left window then vanishes.

ROSE

(Approaches the house)

What was that?

The door creaks open and ROSE enters the house. The door swings shut behind her. ROSE, a little freaked out now, turns and tries to open the door. She is unsuccessful.

Int. Abandoned House- cont.

ROSE looks around and takes in the scenery. There's a tattered rug in the hallway she's in and a closet to her left as she starts to walk down the hallway. ROSE chooses to explore the house since she can't quite leave. She enters what appears to be a small bedroom with a large portrait on the back wall. She walks closer to the painting. It is of a young woman smiling happily and standing near what could be the husband.

Stabbed in the Heart

       This is one of the writing exercises my Creative Writing class did for Mr. Greene, today, on September 23, 2011. It is about a first kiss that goes completely wrong and has been modified to possibly become a short story. I feel like it could, and maybe should, go farther, but I need ideas on how to further the plot and to develop the characters, if you please.

       He held my hands, making me shiver fervently as I stood, staring into his eyes. I smiled at him, wanting to get closer to him, studying the planes of his body subtly. I wanted to fall into his eyes, like the temptation of a water bed after a long hard day of pushing to the limit in work or athletics. I pushed away my thoughts, deciding I didn't want to scare him off just yet.
      "Is something wrong, Annie?" His voice, so deep and clear and calm, comforting my anxiety. I've been wanting this moment for years now, knowing of my own feelings for him since I first laid eyes on him back in September, almost four years ago now.

       "No, no. I'm fine, I promise." My reply, although not as reassuring as I had meant for it to be, went through my mind with certainty and then echoed in my ears as more of a question. Why is your voice interrupting my thoughts? I thought, thankfully not out loud.

       The next thing I know, he's wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in closer. Jarrod, the Zues of the football team, the gorgeous Jarrod, was bringing his lips to my cheek. Pressed there, he searched for my lips. Once he found them, he pulled me closer to share in the magic of our first kiss.

       And then our second, and then our third. It was more than just this magical and mystical feeling that I have coveted since Freshman year, but it was this passionate intensity that made me tingle in places I had long forgotten existed.

       His muscular arms held me without give, keeping my body to his as we kissed for what seemed like years. I cherished the moment, trying hard to remember that this may be the last time this happens, if a girl who's more to his speed came and snagged him away. At that second, I wasn't aware of how right I was that this moment would end sooner than I wanted, and I was unaware of how exactly it would end.

      I felt a sharp pain reverberating in my chest. My pulse dimmed, and I dropped to the ground. I writhed in pain, trying to catch Jarrod's eyes in my own. His were darker than I've ever seen them, and there was a slightly romantic- and kind of sexy- evil glowing within the deep pools of blue that I had been accostumed to relating to comfort.

      "I couldn't let anyone else have you, Annie. I love you too much for that." Jarrod's voice was ragged and more tenor than the baritone I have been hearing before. I lost conciousness for a moment and when it came back, my eyes drifted to the bloody knife he held so surely. I shivered uncontrolably as the pain became more intense.

      With my last breath, my last second of life, I saw him take his own. He fell next to me, his body pinning mine down, and all too soon the world went blank.

My Zombie-esque Best Friend

So this is a writing exercise we did closer to the beginning of the year. It's not meant to be a poem, I just felt it was better to write in multiple lines instead of a full paragraph.

I reached over and calmly gouged out his eye.
He had deserved it this time, really.
Between totaling my car and eating my boyfriend, he was lucky I didn't cut him open.
I was trying to be a less-violent person.
So, Charlie got to keep everything but his right eye today.
I sighed as, moments later, another eye popped into existence.
He seemed to be healing faster lately.
Maybe A-positive was, in fact, his blood type.
I stuck my tongue out at him.
He grinned at me.
We walked out of the house together.
Then my mom took us out for sno-cones.

So, my question, does it seem like this would be better staying just like this, or would it be possible for me to add to it somehow?

Alive.

I had to persevere,
I couldn't stop here.
This was not the end of the rope.

I was in pain,
There wasn't much to gain,
Yet, I refussed to give up hope.

I stared, in shock, at my severed hand,
As I continued bleeding on the land,
It was then, I began to weep.

It was a fight gone wrong,
It lasted too long.
My severed hand, I would keep.

Keep to remind me,
That the past was behind me,
And I had to continue to strive.

After it all,
I continued to ball,
But, still, I was alive.

- This is my first Publish, or Perish assignment. Does anyone have an feed back on how to elaborate on this poem without drowning the simplicity out?

Ice Cold WInter

The ice cold winter
It was always quite dreadful
To leave the house full of warmth
Having to work and work
And only get sick in return
Why couldn't I for once,
Stay inside with the warmth
And my blanket
WIthout having a runny nose
Frost bite on my feet and nose
Hurt more and more
With each step and breath
Keep me out of
The Ice Cold Winter

This is one poem that I just came up with randomly, usually my poems aren't about Winter, but I thought since Winter was on it's way it'd be a good idea.
Is there anything I should change/add/take out? It's supposed to be like a poem from a good few years back when they didn't have heaters or anything and they had to work even when the Winters were so bad.

Writing exercise

I reached over and calmy goused out his eyes, when suddenly my x box controller died, I was heated, I almost beat the level when boom
, I needed new batteries. I suddenly hear my brothers and his friends running upstairs, mom wants to take us out to for snow cones, I said
"not now" I'm almost done so I tell then to get out and grab my batteries and finish playing my game. I go down stairs to finally have then my mom take us out for snow cones.

As i read this and reread my writing, i notice somethings, what would you change to the ending or make the middle a little bit more interesting?

The Evolution

The idea of this piece is to give a prelude to a childhood favorite. I took a couple of creative liberties. Can you guess what this screenplay is about? What can I do to emphasis parts that you think lacked color and clarity.

Much Appreciated.

EXT. Unknown Town – Day but dim

It is the year 2023. Yet it is only two years into the future, the world as we see it is far different from the present. Soldiers are fighting against beings that do not seem to be from this world. We see the battlefield over run with oversized rats, and an assortment of other repulsive animals.

EXT. TRENCH ON THE HUMAN SIDE

Oak is sent in from the past to analyze the problem. Oak died in his early days before the ugliness of the world emerged. He is here to analyze the captured animals and help the humans turn the tide of the war.

OAK
Okay can I get a brief of what has happened in the past year or so to get an idea of what has happened while I was, hehe, dead.

ARTHUR
I’ll right sir. Since late 2011, the Japanese government in partnership with CERN has been developing a kind of clean energy that would be ten thousand times cleaner than nuclear energy and 99.97% efficient without any of the drawbacks like fallout of implosion from anti-mater.

OAK
Wow. And what happened after that. It seems like the world’s energy crisis would be solved after that. What went wrong?

ARTHUR
Well, by the time the technology had been finalized, the majority of the world had already found out what the Japanese and CERN had built. The US and the majority of Europe were extremely disappointed with themselves and began to send in spies and tried to steal the technology that they had invented. Japan and now Taiwan began to counter the West by capturing and luring them. Which they then proceeded and tortured to find out information for themselves. Lots of trouble there.

OAK
I see. So the tension between Eastern Asia and the West began to climb. Neither side wanted to feel weak so they kept on going with their plans. So what are all these mutant animals that we are fighting.

ARTHUR
Well, hold your horses. We can’t skip any part of this story. So after Japan and Switzerland had perfected and began manufacturing the product, everything seemed fine. It helped Japan start an energy monopoly while the rest of the world was devoid of coal, natural gas, and biochemicals. Now, what happened next was something that no one in the world might have thought of. The plant, in 2018, exploded. The plan was running safety drills and had all precautionary backups turned off and at that moment, the plant ignited and blew its stack off, literally.

OAK
Let me guess, there was unpredicted and horrific side effects to the affected are. Just like nuclear fall outs.

ARTHUR
Almost. However, after this accident happened. Japan immediately blamed the West for sabotaging the plant and declared a state of emergency along with war. The explosion managed to kill the majority of the workers inside, however the area did not seem to be affected by the accident. No one claimed to be sick and life continued on. If you skip six months into the future however, we begin to see some terrifying scenes: animals began to grow extra appendages, humans began changing colors and reverting back to primal actions. More and more people and animals in the affected area became sick. Japan didn’t know what to do!

OAK
Were the mutated beings hostile in any way? Did they provoke or attack innocent people?

ARTHUR
No. They seemed fairly friendly but every time they approached a normal human or animal they were repulsed and fled from them. Japan ultimately decided to abandon the city of Sapporo and along with the island too. The West talked about nuking the area and purging the mutants from the world. However, Japan argued against it and war became heated again. Ultimately, NATO and the US became the world power as Eurasia was eliminated and decimated. We’ve been fighting against these beasts since!

OAK
Alright…I see the problem. Can I go examine one of the animals that we’ve managed to capture.

ARTHUR
Of course sir. Right this way.

EXT. MAKE-SHIFT LABORATORY

Oak is led into a large tented area with bright halogen lights that seems to affect the beast. Oak is also at a slight discomfort and orders the lights to be turned off. (Lights dimmed)

OAK
Okay. Can I work with him for a couple of hours? I will give the conclusive report after I have finished working alone.

ARTHUR
That can be arranged sir.

OAK
Thank you.
After a gruesome six and a half hours of relentless testing and experimenting. Oak finally emerges from the tented area. The beast seems to be a different thing six and a half hours before Oak had began his tests. Oak hands the results to Commander Arthur.

OAK
Well, here it is. I think that we should stop this warfare business and send out normal people to quell these things.

ARTHUR
What do you mean? Surely you’re not saying that these beasts are safe are you now Doctor?

OAK
Please, it’s professor. What I am trying to say is that these beasts do not mean any harm if you do not harm it.

ARTHUR
I see. Bring out the male…errr Ketchup or Ketchum…Something like that. Yeah that’s him.

OAK
May I ask who this is?

ARTHUR
Ah. Well this will be the first person to test your theory. His name is Giovanni Ketchum. We will now be sending him out to help test your theory.

EXT. BATTLEFIELD

OAK
Okay, let me brief you about how you can approach these beasts and quell them. Naturally, they are very calm and peaceful, it seems that these idiots have angered them and I feel like that the only way that we can help them is to act very peaceful ourselves, kinda like monkey see monkey do. You follow?

GIOVANNI
I follow. Alright. Thanks for the tip, I’ll see what I can do.

OAK
Good luck. May God be with you.

GIOVANNI
Thanks. I’ll be back.

EXT. TRENCHES
It’s been weeks since Giovanni first left the area to try and quell these beasts. After the area was secured, the body of Giovanni was not found. However, deep in the woods, Professor Oak found Giovanni dwelling with some of the animals that escaped or fled the battle field. Giovanni seems very happy with where he is right now. Professor Oak and Giovanni engage into an unknown conversation and Oak nodes. He leaves, with one thing in mind. When his son Ash turns ten, Professor Oak will take him into his study of expertise.

The New STD

This is a writing exercise I wrote one morning and I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. We were asked, what if there was a new STD going around that gave people horns and a tail? I took a rather special angle to answer this, but my question is, how would SOCIETY handle it?

If there was a new STD that gave people a set of horns and a tail, there would be a massive backlash by the churches. Things would be like the days of the Colosseum, where STD-riddled horned people would battle for the enjoyment of normal people. Miniature colonies of horned people with tails would be persecuted often and sometimes killed by outsiders. They government, in an effort to stop the brutal killings, would put all the people with the STD on Native American reservations. The Native Americans would then fight back against the government. Then as a cruel use of irony, the United States military would use Cherokee missiles to kill the Native Americans. The United States would become a civil war-zone running rampant with people who have horns and tails. That's what would happen if there was a new STD that gave people horns and a tail.

best day ever

The air smelled like gun powder, cotton candy, and failure. i cant believe the horse i picked to win the race came in last place. I picked up my jacket and left the stands. The whole ride home all i was thinking was how am i supposed to explain to my wife that i lost 50,000 dollors on a horse race. As soon as that thought crossed my mind...BOOM! I hit something. It was a pot of gold. I got out of my car to look around. Sure enough the pot of gold was sitting under a rainbow, but not just any rainbow, no no this was a double rainbow. So i took all of the gold and headed straight for the bank. Turns out it was worth over 5 billion dollors. it was the best day ever.

writing exercise from class. Did i get from the first sentence to the last fluently? How could i make it more of a smooth transition?

Mystery Box

This is a short story I wrote for writing exercise 15. We had to create a story about a leather box with an iron lock. I'm looking for feedback on my writing style. Are the actions of my character realistic?

"What could be in this box" Tom thought to himself. "I have to find out." Tom went downstairs to his work shop. He grabbed an assortment of tools he thought would be useful in opening an old iron lock. He brought them upstairs and tried them out. First he tried to smash the lock with a sledge hammer but the lock was to strong ad was unaffected. He tried to cut it with a saw but the blade was no match for the lock and it broke. He tried each of the other tools one by one but they all failed to open the lock. He realized he couldn't open it by himself so he called his friend for help. Tom explained his situation and asked his friend what to do. His friend asked him what he box was made out of. Tom examined the box. "Leather. I think" replied Tom. "well" said his friend "just cut open the box." Tom felt stupid for not thinking of that. He got a box cutter from his basement and used it to cut a hole in the top of the box. He looked inside but couldn't see anything. He stuck his hand in to feel around. He found nothing. The box was empty. Tom wasted his whole day opening an empty box. Tom felt thoroughly disappointed and went to bed.

The Best Day Ever(Writing Exercise 10)

The air smelled like gunpowder, cotton candy, and failure. She looked up at me, her sharp blue eyes showing disappointment. "All you had to do was shoot the bullseye and and win me cotton candy, but you couldn't even do that. You are such a failure."

I was hurt deeply by her unkind words and wondered once again why I was even dating her. She was bossy, selfish, insensitive, and mean. We stood in silence for a few minutes before she began to walk away. I didn't follow her like I usually did.

She paused. "Come on." I stayed rootefd to the spot.

"Let me try again, " I said. Before she could say anything, I had walked back to the booth. I picked up the pistol and aimed with shaking hands. I pulled the trigger and it hit my mark; right between my girlfriend's eyes.

"Bullseye," I muttered quietly to myself. It was the best day ever.

This is writing exercise number 10. Did it make sense? If not, how can I make it more realistic or understandable? What was your reaction? Did the beginning make sense?

Raccoons, Shaving Cream and Sidewalks

This is a writing excersize that we did in class in which we had to incooperate a rabid raccoon, shaving cream, a tampon and it had to end with "and then the sidewalk ended." How can I add more imagery to make the reader visualize the situation better?

Every night I wake up somewhere different. Yet I never know how I got there. I am an avid sleepwalker, wandering the night confused, like an eldery, delusional ship captain sailing in the night. Not only do I sleepwalk within my house, but oftentimes, I venture beyond it. I've ended up in my car, at the top of a tree, my neighbor's bedroom...anywhere that my two feet and my dreams will take me.

On this particular night I woke up in the woods. Wild animals are one of my greatest fear so I quickly looked for a way out of this hell. I searched for familiar scenery, but everything looked so foreign. I pinched myself to confirm my alertness as I found a sidewalk. It was the only sign of civilization around and sitting on it was a long, furry, homely looking animal. The animal, which I can only assume was a sloth-like creature, thankfully was sleeping...or dead.
But then suddenly, it awoke, foam pouring from its mouth. A rabid sloth is not what I hoped to see. I looked to my left and saw a can of shaving cream sitting against the tree, and grabbed it. Maybe this foam could defeat the animal with the foaming mouth. I sprayed the shaving cream in his eyes, stuck a handy tampon in his mouth, and I began to run.
I ran and I ran until I came to the edge of a cliff, no sign of anything or anyone around that would help to alert me of my location. I remember learning once that if you die in a dream, you will wake up. I started to run...and then the sidewalk ended.

An Apple A Day

This is a writing exercise that I did a few days ago. The basic plot is that a man found a nice leather box with a special, nutritious treat inside. Please let me know how I can make this more exciting and maybe change the ending.

I had been staring at the mysterious leather box for 3 days. Ever since Sparky picked it up in his little puppy mouth I knew it was something special. The question of whether to open it or not had kept me up for 72 hours straight now. Then I realized that it was probably empty anyways and I was tired and hungry so I mine as well just open it. I jumped up from the couch, picked the lock, and opened it up. Inside was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. A big, red, juicy apple just sitting there, waiting for someone to bite into it. So I did. I tore apart that apple more than humanly possible. I sat and watched The Wendy Williams Show as I ate the apple down to the core. A day later I realized the difference of this apple compared to other apples. When I went to the bathroom a day later, I pooped out the same apple just as beautiful before I took the big bite. Even though it just came out of my butt, I couldn't resist. I took an even bigger bite than before and it tasted even better. Every day for the rest of my life, I anxiously awaited my juicy surprise of my poopy apple treat.

Surprise!!!

This is a sonnet I wrote. The main character thinks this girl is really good looking, but she has a secret. A secret the main character probably couldn't have gotten over. How can I make the beginning more interesting?


He was sitting around the books
But books he could not read
He was too excited by her good looks
He had to get up and see

Across the store, down isles he walked
He must talk to this girl
He took a seat and began to talk
Away from him she swirled

The girl has a secret she could not share
It hurt her deep inside
A secret she held behind her beautiful hair
She couldn't bear to sit at his side

She rose from her seat and split quick
This is because the "she" had a dick

The Last Man on Earth

This is a writing prompt i did in class one morning, Mr Greene gave us the first sentence and told us to finish the story. I thought it was a fun piece but i have a question. When the last man on earth is dying and looking at himself why do you think he is vanishing ?

The last man on earth sat alone and considered his future. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. When the man realized that there was a knock on the door he was surprised, he didn’t know what to believe. Was he beginning to go crazy or was there a real person knocking at the door? He heard the knock again. The last man on earth just stared at the door, scared of what could be on the other side.

            Knock Knock Knock, the knocking was getting louder. “Stop knocking” the man began to shout, “I’m not going to answer, I’m not going to answer because I don’t think I could handle what’s on the other side of this door”

            The knocking becomes even louder and more consistent. The man begins to through things around and punches the walls; the knocking is making him go mad. He cannot take the knocking any longer. The man races to the door and swings it open.

            To the man’s surprise it is himself at the door, but how could it be he at the door when he is the one who has answered the door. He stares into his own eyes or what appear to be his own eyes. They look tired and lonely, as they should, being the last man on earth.

            He begins to feel a horrible pain in his chest, almost as if it were about to explode. His blood was hot growing hotter, to a boiling point. He drops to the ground and looks up at himself, as he looks down at himself. As he feels the life leaving his body he sees himself vanishing.

Publish, or Perish

Publish, or perish is a waste of my time,
I'd rather sit and watch the lame entertainment of a mime.
If i stare to long i may go blind,
yet if i don't do anything in this class ill pay the fine.
I sip my coffee and become distracted,
I really don't want Greene's rude reaction.
I greatly hope i get this right,
If i don't there must be a fight.
Rhyming is nothing special but i know nothing else.
I feel so useless like a day old dead mouse.
Ill continue this poem until the block ends,
no one can distract me as I have no friends.
Jarred, Kristian, and Alex must not like Fridays
so i sit here alone of a moment of my daze.
The energy of the room is really awkward,
it reminds me of the deceased Lord Farquaad.
Shrek was a movie none can forget,
I hate this damn poem I'm beginning to regret.
Its almost over then i have to comment your work,
leave some good feed back don't be a huge jerk.
If your poems as lame as mine,
we'll really have to hang sometime.
We can write a lame story to publish to the world
but first i gotta go I really have to hurl.

My Mind Collaspes

I wanna scream! Make everyoe simply disappear. Walk alone, observing all the little things that are usaully overlooked. Being able to run my fingertips across the cement walls. My hand slides across as my eyes start to shut. I start to dream of a place containing no drama, no heart break, no sadness, and no humans who bring all of these things to life. Just me and the things I wish would last forever. Being able to be lifted into the air, being weightless. The clouds are my neighbors as I swim through the sky. As the day turns to night the sky is lit up by millions of stars. I lie out on the grass and stare up at the sky until my eyelids can not take anymore. As I sleep, I have no worries of where I am, or who is there with me. I will be able to enjoy just a simple, enchanting sleep. Everyday would be new, waking up to the smell of cut grass, a raindow reflection on the ocean before me. The sky was lit up with all shades of blue, I could feel the rain storm heading my way. I let my hair run wild in the winds that began to flow. The wind gets fast and the sky fades to gray. The smell of freshness in the air tells me that the raindrops are soon to fall. Suddenly I feel the tempature change, followed by a milllion waterdroplets hitting the ground at once. I begin to dance, looking up high and letting all my bodies energies be released. I let go of my body and let myself lean to the ground. Now I'm back, back to reality. Tjis [place is not filled with opprotunities.

The Disease

There’s a new STD in town where you grow two horns and a tail. It’s a very contagious disease. Three of my friends have gotten it. If you touch anyone or have any contact with other who has it you are at high risk of getting the disease as well. Everyone in town had to wear gloves and ski masks so others who didn’t have the disease yet wouldn’t catch it. Even at the doctor’s office they were wearing them. Anyone that has caught the disease is told by the doctors to stay inside and not to have any contact with people. The only way that you can get rid of the disease is to take a pill that’s prescribed by the doctor’s office. If you take this pill you have a chance of growing even more horns and maybe even another tail because this is a pill that unicorns take when they are sick.
What can I do to make this into a story?

Relax..

Lights are dimmed and a dark shadow is stalking the three of them in the shadows of their walls. It seems like it’s trying to reach them but it can’t go through the dim light that is surrounding them. The creature is making this hissing noise and it seems to be saying a name. The creature is causing Erin to stir in her sleep. Like the creature is causing her pain by the expression on her face. Ryan wakes up and looks around, seeing nothing he gets up and turns the light off and returns to bed. Now that the lights were off the creature could reach Erin. It stared for a long moment as if it was just waiting. Then it started creeping towards the bed. Soon enough it was standing over her and it seemed to be staring at her again. It let out a high pitched scream causing the three of them to wake up. Erin was the first to see it. She screamed bloody murder. Cody & Ryan were to late waking up. The hooded creature was already fading out. An Erin was still screaming. Ryan grabbed a hold of her and tried calming her down and telling her to relax. Erin started crying and grabbing on to Ryan & Cody.


~How do I make it scarier and more realistic?~

The Book Store

Don was on his way to the book store when the most unbelievable thing happened to him. He was walking down Main Street minding his own business like always when this thing crawled towards him and scratched him. It looked like a person but had different traits, it was blueish, purple, and Don noticed that the things jaw was hanging by only a few threads of skin, it smelled rancid and looked awful. But Don paid no attention to his strange ordeal. He finally reached the book store and looked at his wound, the flesh around it was turning that blueish, purple color. He quickly hid the wound as he saw his friend Matt. Matt approached Don. “Hey, Don, you don’t look so good, you okay? “Yeah I’m fine, don’t worry about me, let’s get some coffee. “Okay dude, whatever. Let’s go.” Matt turned around and started to head for the coffee station. “So I heard about your girl, that’s some funky stuff man ha-ha.” Matt waited for a reply but got nothing other than a groan. Matt felt a sharp pain in his arm and started to scream. “Ahh, what the?!” Matt swung around and saw Dons teeth embedded in his arm, but somehow it wasn’t Don.