This is a writing excersize that we did in class in which we had to incooperate a rabid raccoon, shaving cream, a tampon and it had to end with "and then the sidewalk ended." How can I add more imagery to make the reader visualize the situation better?
Every night I wake up somewhere different. Yet I never know how I got there. I am an avid sleepwalker, wandering the night confused, like an eldery, delusional ship captain sailing in the night. Not only do I sleepwalk within my house, but oftentimes, I venture beyond it. I've ended up in my car, at the top of a tree, my neighbor's bedroom...anywhere that my two feet and my dreams will take me.
On this particular night I woke up in the woods. Wild animals are one of my greatest fear so I quickly looked for a way out of this hell. I searched for familiar scenery, but everything looked so foreign. I pinched myself to confirm my alertness as I found a sidewalk. It was the only sign of civilization around and sitting on it was a long, furry, homely looking animal. The animal, which I can only assume was a sloth-like creature, thankfully was sleeping...or dead.But then suddenly, it awoke, foam pouring from its mouth. A rabid sloth is not what I hoped to see. I looked to my left and saw a can of shaving cream sitting against the tree, and grabbed it. Maybe this foam could defeat the animal with the foaming mouth. I sprayed the shaving cream in his eyes, stuck a handy tampon in his mouth, and I began to run.
I ran and I ran until I came to the edge of a cliff, no sign of anything or anyone around that would help to alert me of my location. I remember learning once that if you die in a dream, you will wake up. I started to run...and then the sidewalk ended.
I really liked this story. It definitely came out a lot better than my writing exercise about the sloth. You did a really good job incorporating the sidewalk into the story. I think that your use of the shaving cream was good, you definitely could have "defeated the sloth" with it, but I didn't think that the tampon really worked in the story. It sounded more like you were just trying too hard to work it into the story and it didn't have any real connection with defeating the sloth. The sloth would have been just as stunned if you hadn't put a tampon in its mouth, plus you probably wouldn't have wanted to get close enough to a rabid sloth to put anything in its mouth. I really liked the way that your character got to the sidewalk. She wasn't just coming home from the store like everyone else's characters, she was sleepwalking. That was a really good twist.
ReplyDeleteWow, i personally really like this story. it really gives a lot of details and shows how good of a writer you really are. It really gives specific details and certain images in the readers head, that helps me personally as a visual reader. I really enjoyed your then the side walked ended, i really liked it i thought it was a good ending and very descriptive. This is showing how a good writer you are, and its really giving certain details that i enjoy to read. My favorite thing in this is the great detail that you give to the reader which helps everyone out in a way. Tampon in the nose is one of the best things Ive ever read it just gives a great detail in everything about how he doesn't really wasn't it in his nose. Keep up the good work and i look forward to reading more of your things.
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