The air smelled like gun powder, cotton candy, and failure. i cant believe the horse i picked to win the race came in last place. I picked up my jacket and left the stands. The whole ride home all i was thinking was how am i supposed to explain to my wife that i lost 50,000 dollors on a horse race. As soon as that thought crossed my mind...BOOM! I hit something. It was a pot of gold. I got out of my car to look around. Sure enough the pot of gold was sitting under a rainbow, but not just any rainbow, no no this was a double rainbow. So i took all of the gold and headed straight for the bank. Turns out it was worth over 5 billion dollors. it was the best day ever.
writing exercise from class. Did i get from the first sentence to the last fluently? How could i make it more of a smooth transition?
it was nice. but i think it would make more sense if you had said where you were in the first place. . .
ReplyDeleteHey there :) I enjoyed the concept you thought of. It was realistic at first with a whimsical twist at the end. I feel as though your character went through a struggle, didn't know what to do, and then, BOOM, got what he wasn't expecting. I feel as though the story moved rather fluently. Maybe some transitional phrasing would help. Maybe connecting a couple sentences together would add compact some ideas together and then you can maybe elaborate more? Overall, I though it was a nice job and a solid effort. Definitely wish I found a double rainbow on the drive home.
ReplyDelete