The air smelled like gunpowder, cotton candy, and failure. She looked up at me, her sharp blue eyes showing disappointment. "All you had to do was shoot the bullseye and and win me cotton candy, but you couldn't even do that. You are such a failure."
I was hurt deeply by her unkind words and wondered once again why I was even dating her. She was bossy, selfish, insensitive, and mean. We stood in silence for a few minutes before she began to walk away. I didn't follow her like I usually did.
She paused. "Come on." I stayed rootefd to the spot.
"Let me try again, " I said. Before she could say anything, I had walked back to the booth. I picked up the pistol and aimed with shaking hands. I pulled the trigger and it hit my mark; right between my girlfriend's eyes.
"Bullseye," I muttered quietly to myself. It was the best day ever.
This is writing exercise number 10. Did it make sense? If not, how can I make it more realistic or understandable? What was your reaction? Did the beginning make sense?
I actually think this is one of my favorite stories that you've read out loud and now read on here.
ReplyDeleteIt does not sound like she was a very good girlfriend from the start.
What I suggest is possibly putting some type of setting for a picture in the head. For instance I picture it like a sunny day, everyone is laughing and having a fun time.
Also the reaction perhaps of the people around the sudden gunfire on the girlfriend?
Though I truly enjoyed reading this. It has to be one of my favorites.
Hey there! This story kind of frightens me and it makes me think that you're a sick person. The plot, however, is seriously interesting and I like the surprise aspect of the bullseye being the girlfriend's head. Totally sweet! To answer all of your questions... Yes, I do think it makes sense. Although, I think with just a bit more imagery and description the story would have a greater impact. Towards the middle and end I like the muttering of bullseye. Seriously, a nice touch. I kind of touched upon this at the beginning, but my reaction was definitely something similar to shock. I like the beginning. You took Mr. Greene's sentence and then elaborated which I think works well. You could possibly change the wording a tad to make the dialogue less of a redo fo the first line. You could even make the girlfriend bitchier. That would be nice. Overall, I think this is a job well done.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was really good and I liked the evil twist ending. The only thing that might not necessarily make sense is that you say that the air smelt like gunpowder at the beginning of the story, before he shot the gun. If you wrote the story from a reflective perspective, then he could be thinking about the day first, then say that the air smells like gunpowder, and then tell the reader why. Also, this isnt really important, but I don;t think they use real guns for fun games at a fair haha, unless he planted the real gun there because he was planning this out in advance? If you wanted to add more detail you could develop the relationship between the two of them a little more, so the reader understands why he killed her. But it was really good and creative! (:
ReplyDeleteI really like this one overall. As far as it being realistic and/or understandable, I think it was both. With the length that it is, I think you did a pretty good job with letting us, as readers, know what was going on. If you were to turn it into a longer piece, I would suggest you add some scenes where we see just how the girlfriend acted on a day-to-day basis (evil, mean, degrading, etc?). Also, it would be interesting if you added some of the main character’s background as far as if there is another reason, besides his girlfriend being rather not cool, that would lead to him snapping like that. Like are there any other problems in his life that cause him to finally react so strongly to her meanness? But truly, I really like how it turned out for the length of the piece and how long you had to write it.
ReplyDeletei thought that this was really good. It was realistic and understandable
ReplyDelete