So this is a writing exercise we did closer to the beginning of the year. It's not meant to be a poem, I just felt it was better to write in multiple lines instead of a full paragraph.
I reached over and calmly gouged out his eye.
He had deserved it this time, really.
Between totaling my car and eating my boyfriend, he was lucky I didn't cut him open.
I was trying to be a less-violent person.
So, Charlie got to keep everything but his right eye today.
I sighed as, moments later, another eye popped into existence.
He seemed to be healing faster lately.
Maybe A-positive was, in fact, his blood type.
I stuck my tongue out at him.
He grinned at me.
We walked out of the house together.
Then my mom took us out for sno-cones.
So, my question, does it seem like this would be better staying just like this, or would it be possible for me to add to it somehow?
It seems like it could go either way. It's great as it is but you could still add to it and make it even better. Maybe you could include the other instances that the character has done any other injuries to the zombie. The fact that the zombie ate the boyfriend is highly amusing. You could explore trying to add more detail to the act of gouging out the eyeball. Any small detail could help. You don't need to go into extreme detail with the gore.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably a bit creepy that I enjoyed this, but I did. I like the fact that you made a poem-type piece instead of something normal. It's new, origional and easy to read. Plus it made ripping a zombie's eye out seem like a children's book. Out of my personal opinion I wouldn't change a thing about the stylizing. Next you could possibly go into verses or other acts. Of other zombie stories and odd happenings in this new world. Combine them all together and create a collective archive of everything creepy and zombie. Cool stuff.
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