February 25, 2011

Crater Lake (Excerpt)

Eventually we drove off onto a dirt road; Fred put the high beams on for better visuals. We continued on this road for about ten minutes and eventually appeared in a parking lot. He stopped the engine and we both got out of the car. We got flashlights and walked down to the lake. The cold wind stung our faces but we continued without stopping. We made it to the dock with just water surrounding us. The full moon brightened the night sky and made the night more memorable. I took the backpack off my shoulder and reached in for the box. I gave the box to Fred and he opened it and took out the ring and gave me back the box. He took one last look at it and then threw it into the lake.
All of a sudden there was a loud boom and we both covered our ears. After about a minute and a half we were convinced that the ring was destroyed and departed to the truck. We eventually reached the truck and man large man came up behind me. He tried to grab me but I kicked him in his crouch and elbowed him in the stomach. I learned that move in a defense class about a year ago. Then bright lights appeared and sirens went off and loud voices appeared. “Put your hands up!”
We both put our hands up and held our hands behind our backs. Another man went up to Fred and asked “Where is the ring?” Fred immediately replied. “In the lake, good luck trying to find it”.

This is an excerpt from my short story Crater Lake. It's about a guy and girl who find a ring and now must find this lake and destroy it. Is this excerpt descriptive enough? Is there any wording I could add to make it seem more descriptive?


  1. It was definitely descriptive and interesting.The only thing I would change is the sentence,"We both put our hands up and held our hands behind our backs." It sounds as if they are doing the two actions simultaneously, which is physically impossible.

  2. Very interesting, and very descriptive... good job on those. I agree with the comment above on that one sentence ^