February 25, 2011

Gone in a Flash (Excerpt)

Arriving home was not an easy task, there were two police cars in front of my home, an unknown car, and both my parents cars. At first I had a double rush of relief, there was no car accident, both cars are in the same condition they were when I left home, and no one was murdered or anything because there was no yellow ‘Do Not Cross’ tape around the perimeter of my home. Aside from the extra cars at my house, it seemed as though nothing was wrong from the outside looking in. Sadly, the tragedy was inside my home not outside of it because that was why everyone was inside.
I reached for the doorknob when it was opened for me by a police officer, it was weird having people in my house that I did not recognize. My parents were sitting on the love seat together, they both were inconsolable. I did not see Analise anywhere, but maybe they thought it was better to keep her at school that way they won’t worry her. Or maybe it was the fact that she did not have a ride home, like I did. I man dressed in a shirt and tie approached me “Are you Ainsley?” he seemed stern, but also understanding. I nodded because I was so confused of what was going on. “Would you please follow me into the dining room?” he motioned to my dining room like it was his house I was visiting. I just methodically walked over to my dinner chair and took a seat.

How can I improve the anxiety in these two paragraphs?

1 comment:

  1. I would try to talk about the character's feelings through this situation. You repeat the feeling of awkwardness with the strange cars at the house a little too much. I would talk more about how they were reacted to seeing the cars; did they cry, feel sick, did their heart race? I think that readers are already going to get a sense that something is not right after you mention the strange cars being outside of the house, so I would just try to give a little more detail about what was going on in your character's head.