This is a scene from my novel, “Leaving Home.” The main character, Hayley, and her family are on the first colony ship leaving Earth to a destination 86 years away. Hayley is 12 years old. Does her reaction to the situation seem age appropriate and how can I make it more so?
I took a long look around. More teal. The color scheme alone was enough to drive me crazy. Our “quarters” were just that, a space about one quarter the size of our house back in New Hampshire. Mom and Dad had a 10-by-10-foot room for themselves. There was a 12-by-12 family room with some chairs, a couch and a large video screen, and a tiny bathroom with a combined sink and toilet (showers were “communal,” Mom said). The room Dobby and I were to share was 8 by 8, with bunk beds.
“I get top,” Dobby said, practically sprinting up the ladder to the upper bunk. I took a deep breath but it didn't help.
“Mom, I don't want to share a room with him.”
“It won't be so bad when you get used to it,” Mom said. “Each bunk has a privacy screen that you can use to shut us all out. There's a video screen in there, a lap desk and some shelves for your personal stuff. You'll be fine. It's only until you graduate high school, and then you can move to the singles' dorms if you want.”
“That's in four years!”
I was yelling now. I'd left all my friends behind, left Julie, left grandma, left all my stuff, left my planet and now I had to share a room with my brother!
“This was your idea, not mine! I didn't want to go. I could've stayed with Julie!”
I glared through tears. Back home I would have run outside or up to my room. Here my options were limited. I could I run out to the corridor where anyone could see me or to my bunk and hope that I could figure out the privacy-screen controls before I looked stupid.
I opted for the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
You said Hayley was 12 years old, yes? In my own personal opinion, her reaction sounds more like how a 15 year old would react. Also, she graduates high school in 4 years which would make her a freshmen now. Her age just seems a bit off. Perhaps if she was a bit older it would seem more appropriate with the way she reacted and her grade in school.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to keep her age as 12 years, then I would suggest possibly making her seem more childish by making her whine more. More detail about how she reacts wouldn't be a bad idea either. Perhaps she stomps her foot at one point.
Hope this helped, even if just by a little.