Tom had been sitting there for a while. He was experiencing a stomach ache. Progressively, the pain became worse. Suddenly he was seized by a pain which entirely came over him. He felt as if he was doomed to a sudden destruction. He cringed in pain and held his abdomen while cradling back and forth. He felt as if he was holding some kind of evil within in him. He felt the urge to release the evil power within him. He thought:
'What is this pain?'
As time went the pain grew stronger. He tried with all his strength to release the evil power. At that moment, he felt an unretainable force of power released within his pants.
'BOOM!'
He felt the releasing of the second force and tried his best to keep it in. He had to find refugee behind a bush or something. He looked around desperately. A tree? A bush? Anything? He saw a nearby bush. He limped towards it. The force of power overwhelmed him and released with an explosion.
'BOOM!'
With all his might he managed to hold off the last wave of the evil force. He limped closer to the bush. He was almost there. Sweat rolled off his forehead. He exerted all his energy to suppress this evil force from releasing. Then the unseen power within him overwhelmed his strength. With hope for the best, Tom released the massive evil force.
I tried to do the indentation with the html. I edited this post like a dozen times and I couldn't figure. I gave up with frustration.
ReplyDeletethe details in this are good, but i'm confused as to where this story is taking place. i like the adjectives used to describe what Tom is feeling. I'm not really sure where the story is going though. Maybe you could add more to the end and explain what happens
ReplyDeletevery good describing i enjoyed it ben! i would like to hear more
ReplyDeleteIf I'm not mistaken this piece is about PTBS. (Post Taco Bell Syndrome). I'm impressed with the detail in your description of this man holding back an incredible force and not sure which writing exercise it is from but i would like to know because I am not quite sure which assignment had Mr. Greene telling us to describe such an experience. The incredible force seems to be a bit repetitive in this piece and I would consider looking up different ways of describing this feeling the man is experiencing. Nick Hebert here just reporting for blog critiquing keep up the good work Benito!
ReplyDelete