September 28, 2010


Hey guys I just want to know what you think of this and get as much feedback as possible just say what you think or how I should change this. Thanks!

I walked home through the meadow with fields if dead hay. It was early spring still, with piles of muddy snow in the different patches of the ground. The ground was wet and soggy in most places. The evening sky was overcast, no sun in sight, but still light enough for me to see my surroundings. A crisp wind blew over my head every few minutes or so, as this occurred I pulled my jacket tighter to myself to keep warm. There was a strange sense going through me almost as if I was being watched or followed. I quickened my pace with the feeling of fear on my constant mind. I got closer to my house with each step, as I got to the end of the meadow I found myself just a few houses away from my home. I decided I was in a safe place now and continued on without this fear. I started up to the front steps of my house. It’s a nice house in a large neighborhood full of life. There are large trees in everybody’s yard. Some built forts others just there. My house is blue with white shutters, and big picture windows on the first floor. I opened the door and could smell that my mother was cooking dinner as usual some kind of chicken. I sprinted up to my room and kicked of my muddy shoes and ripped of my coat. I walked over to my window and drew back the curtain revealing to me the other side of the street. There he was again my neighbor he had followed me again from school to my house I knew it. I watched him from a safe place as he was hidden by shadows he glared up into my room at me. I immediately backed away, and quickly walked to my bedroom door where the light switch was and quickly shut it off. I ran back downstairs washed my hands and then sat the table for dinner...

1 comment:

  1. I liked how you described the meadow. I also really liked the detail you put into the weather, the trees and your house. One thing I think you could have added would be some detail about the girl, if she is a girl. I also think you could have added some detail about the boy who followed her home. I like the adjectives you used like crisp, and soggy. I think those help you to feel and see what the character is feeling and seeing. I also liked the story itself. I liked how it felt ominous throughout the story. You could almost tell something was going to happen. Another thing I think you could have added was something with her mom, either saying hi when she walks in or just some detail about what she looks like. Overall though I really liked this and really want to know what happens next and who that boy is.