January 6, 2012

One Last Coin

This is another small part from my short story One Last Coin. I would like advice on how I can make this more spine chilling or if there's any other way I can improve this.
As he ran he unsheathed his silver longsword and ran into the snow covered forest. He stopped when he saw her floating there staring at him once again with her bloody lips curling into cruel smile. Vincent raised an eyebrow at this and said, “That smirk isn't like you Marie. Something must be wrong. Here, let me fix it.”
As he said this he lunged forward and sliced through the air where she was. The sword sliced through her ethereal form and did nothing to her. He looked at the sword then back at her. His mouth curled into a sneer as he spoke.
“Why do you feel the need to haunt me, Marie? Do you need closure? Well is this closure enough for you? I never loved you. How many times do I need to say this?”
Marie's expression contorted into pure hatred as she whispered, “The only closure I require is to see your blood spilled on the snow and for you to know true fear. I asked and they have granted my wish. Your time has come Vincent and I am your judge.”
As she said this the blood on her lips and dress seemed to drip down into the snow where she was. Vincent stared at the blood dripping into the snow and laughed. He looked at her with a smile on his face as he said, “Honestly Marie. You think that I am scared of you? You were a frail thing in life and you are still such a frail thing in death.”
Marie gave a bloody smile as she whispered, “You should be scared Vincent. Death changes people. Especially the souls that were wronged in life.”
Her whispers sent shivers down his spine as realization dawned on him that she wasn't joking. She was really upset with him. Her spirit wandered closer to him and as her blood left a trail behind her. She extended a frail hand towards him and he backed up quickly.

1 comment:

  1. First, this was probably the biggest spoiler I have ever read since I haven't read your whole story yet, but I plan to since I have it. xD
    And second, this was great. The literacy of it was magnificent and it's nice to see you still haven't changed from trying to kill off as many people as possible.
    What might make the ending better though is instead of "She extended a frail hand towards him and he backed up quickly" maybe put "Marie extended a frail bloody hand towards the man. His fear took over his body, making him move back until he tripped," Or something like that. O:

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