March 18, 2011

Cell 413

The last thing I remember was running through Brooney Forest, when a gun went off and hit me in the side. I opened my eyes only to see a bright light right above me. I was in a cold dirty brick room with no windows, a small bed and a maroon colored door. I lifted my shirt just above my belly button and saw that my wound was covered by a bandage but it wasn’t sore. I walked up to the door and jiggled the handle but of course, it was locked. I wondered who had shot me and why they did. I hadn’t done anything wrong; I was just a seventeen year old going for a run. I knocked on the door and yelled until I couldn’t stand anymore. I went over to the bed and laid down and prayed that I would get out soon. I thought back to when I first moved here from Seattle, Washington, it was like it was yesterday.

This is the beginning paragraph to my story Cell 413, is it descriptive enough or is there any parts that seem confusing? What could I add or remove to make it sound better?

1 comment:

  1. The description itself is okay, as this is probably only a very small portion of your story. However, I would change up the way the story is narrated. If you keep the story first person, then I advise you not to "tell" the story, but to allow the reader to "feel" it. For example, if a gun went off, would you automatically know that it's a gun? The way I would have done it would be, "There was a sharp crack, and an even sharper pain that pierced my side" or something like that.
    Also, in first person, there is no need to start a sentence with "I wondered". It's too...bookish. If you sound like you're writing a story, it's probably not good. I suggest using something along the lines of, "Who shot me?! And why? I thought. I'm only an innocent seventeen-year-old going for a run!"