March 25, 2011

Just a part of one of my stories

Time passed and no one came to get me. I watched as people I became friendly with had terrible procedures done to them that the doctors thought would restore them to good health. I heard the cries of patients. I knew of five electric shock therapy patients and I’d heard rumors of two lobotomies. The patients I became friendly with slowly had the life drained from them. You could tell they were only getting worse by just looking at them. The real problem, though, was that the majority of these people were sane.
One day, Mildred didn’t come to breakfast and Alice was crying at our table.
“Samuel, where’s Mildred? Why’s Alice crying?” I asked.
“Sit down sweetheart,” In the weeks that followed my arrival, Samuel and Alice had taken over as paternal and maternal figures. “The doctors took Mildred for a lobotomy this morning.” He said gloomily.
“But she’s sane!”
“I know, but there’s nothing we can do. We just need to remember her the way she was,”
“I can’t accept that!” I ran from the room and looked around frantically, running through the halls to find the operating room.
“Miss Walsh! Stop!” Nurse Mary yelled. A guard stopped me.
“I have to stop that lobotomy! That girl’s sane!”
“Miss, you’re mother’s here to release you,” sure enough, out stepped my mother, with tears in her eyes.
“Annie,” she whispered.
“Mom, they’re doing a lobotomy on a girl who isn’t crazy, please, you need to stop them!”
“There’s nothing we can do, you need to come. We’re leaving this place.” And so I left that building same the way I’d come in: screaming, kicking, and begging.
“You may now kiss the bride.”


  1. I like it. I get a clear image of the events taking place, and I also feel for the character.
    I would suggest for you to go into a little more detail about what lobotomy is, but at the same time I feel like it wouldn't match the tone of the story and seem out of place.
    The bride part seems very out of place to. I honestly have no idea what that means. Though honestly it's the only problem I can really find.

  2. I liked it a lot. I can really since the struggle she is having in trying to save her friend. I think there is an interesting between the way she came and the way she left. I am as well confused with why the bride part is there. Otherwise it is a good excerpt.