"Porter get the door, will you!" my mother yelled from the kitchen. I sighed. I am so unappreciated I thought to myself. I was home on break from my first year of college; I was certainly missing the freedom. I swung the door open and to my surprise no one was there. I looked down at the Welcome Home mat and noticed a paper bag, a key, and a card. Written on the front of the paper bag were the words "For your eyes only, Porter Mason." I silently gathered the items into my arms and stealthily climbed the white carpeted stairs to my bedroom.
My room was my silent sanctuary. It was the only place where I could escape the vulture eyes of my mother. It was covered with posters of my favorite bands and movies and books were lying around everywhere. I set the items onto my desk while I bent down to retrieve my purple sweatshirt. Curtains of blonde hair swung in front of my face and blocked my view of the room. As I stood up I checked my reflection in the mirror to fix my hair. I had really pale blonde hair and baby blue eyes. Strangely enough both my parents had dark hair and brown eyes.
I finally settled into my red wheelie chair and first opened the paper bag. I held my breath as I slowly pulled out the fragile parcel. It was a framed picture of a blonde woman holding a baby in her arms. My head was casting a shadow on the image so I turned on the desk lamp. I looked at the image and gasped in surprise. The woman looked exactly like me.
Does it seem like the story is starting off too quickly? What could I do to improve it?
I don't think the story is starting too quickly. Jumping into the plot sucks the reader in from the start and now I really want to read the rest of the story. I think the only improvement you could make to this section is not packing all of the description in at once? But even that isn't a huge deal.
ReplyDeleteI think the story is starting off fine. I got into the story like how she discovered a picture of a woman who looks exactly like her. It brings me in there and maybe you should add description as you go in the story so it can be more interesting and gives description as the redaer reads.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, the pacing of the story is fine, although slowing it down just slightly wouldn't do it any harm. I really like your use of description, so you could use more, if you want. Holding onto that thought, don't forget the other narrative forms!
ReplyDeleteSince this is only an excerpt (unless I am mistaken,) I probably can't say too much about the plot, but based on what I've read, I'd say that the story sounds too typical. Authors seem to have a tendency to make the main character either lose their parents (like in Harry Potter), or make their awesome main character completely different from his/her abusive or annoying parents.