March 25, 2011

Story Excerpt

Suddenly, a crowd begins to run down the sidewalk towards us. I hear several loud bangs and screaming. “He’s got a gun! Get down!” A man shouts and he runs towards us. I drop Charlie’s popsicle on the ground and grab his hand. He starts to cry. “My popsicle!” He cries, tears welling up in his eyes. I yank on his hand, begging him to run with me. “Charlie, we’ll get a new one we have to go!” I yell at him over the roar of the crowd. I hear a few more shots and louder screaming. My heart thumps out of my chest. I look for a safe place to hide. Charlie wiggles his hand out of my palm and begins to run towards the popsicle. “Charlie!” I call out his name. I try to make my way through the crowd but no one seems to budge. Charlie easily sneaks through the sea of people. “Charlie!” I shout again, pushing myself as hard as I can against the crowd. They push me forward and urge me to continue running in the opposite direction. I silently pray that Charlie will be okay. I finally manage to shove myself into the crowd and run to where I last saw my son. I drop to my knees when I find a half melted popsicle on the sidewalk, and my son is gone. I wake up screaming.

Do you think the writing in this scene is too repetitive? If so, is there anything I could add to make it less repetitive?


  1. It doesn't seem very repetitive at all, since the sentences are varied and there is a good mix of dialogue and action. I would suggest breaking this section up into different paragraphs, though, especially since there is more than one person speaking in it.

  2. I thought it wasn't repetitive because the only thing repetitive was the name "Charlie" which isn't a bad thing. I think you should add more quotes like "Mommy,where are you?" or "Charlie don't go!" if he was separated from his mom or his mom lost him. But it was good how their was good action and dialog.