March 7, 2011

Does the Intro grab your interest, if not, what could I fix?


The man stood in silence with a weathered hood cloaking his countenance. The courtesans weren’t the only beauty that filled the room that night. Red and Gold tapestries hung from the ceiling, and the townsfolk remained on their feet, waiting. He slowly drew his eyes around the room from left to right. Suddenly, a cheer that began at the entrance of the amphitheatre broke the silence. His head darted to the right in attention to the excitement. There walked the King whom presented an unmatched confidence as he walked towards his throne. Giving no mind to it, he’d gently wave his hand in random directions and smile. The man was breathing very deeply at this point, and grasped the handle of his blade tightly. He could feel the tendons in his forearm and wrist clenching. The guards all shouted in unison, “Hail!” raising their spears. Just as the King turned to acknowledge his guards, the hooded man began walking towards the king quickly. The townsfolk had rested their cheer just enough that the sound of the hooded man’s blade unsheathing was heard by all those within earshot. The King turned to take his seat, but instead faced his fate. The man stabbed the King quickly into the stomach pulling him close to him. He wrapped his arm around his head and with conviction whispered, “For my Father”. The King let out a painful grunt and stumbled back falling to one knee, as the blood quickly began to stain his opulent fabrics.

2 comments:

  1. You should talk more about 'the man' so the reader has some sense of why he is there and planning to kill the king. It was probably just my lack of vocabulary, but I didn't know what some of the words meant - must be royal speech.
    I think you could add more detail to the scene, which you probably already have/will, but other than than I'd say it's a publish :))

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  2. I found it interesting, just a little odd that this is where the story starts. It seems more like an excert from the middle or maybe some type of prologue. I still liked it. Maybe give the reader an idea of the assasin and what happened to his father.

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