March 11, 2011

Excerpt from Another Story

This is a longer excerpt, and sorry about the other failure post from a few minutes ago. Don't you love school computers and their tendency to freak out? Anyways, the only background you really need to know of this is that the two characters in this scene have only known each other for a couple of weeks and were dancers in a music video together. They are friends at this point, but aren't really sure if that's all they want to be.

“Are Chris and Kenny still fighting?”
Lani looked over at Jason when he sighed.
No, but they’re not getting along either. It’s really tense at our apartment,” Jason answered.
The Ferris Wheel cart jerked and the metal gave a loud creak. Lani’s muscles unconsciously tensed and she shut her eyes tightly.
“Are you excited that the music video is coming out tomorrow?”
Hesitantly, Lani opened her eyes. She then gave a noncommittal grunt.
Jason laughed and asked, “What does that mean?”
“I don’t know,” Lani lied. In truth, she was not happy about the video being done and coming out the next day because it meant she’d probably never see Jason or the other boys again.
“Wanna come to the viewing party with me tonight?”
“What?” asked Lani, surprised.
“Tomorrow night the whole band is going to go to this party where everyone watched the video, they congratulate us, then we just… party. It’s a lot of fun, and… I’d really like you to come with me.
“I-I’m not really much of a partier… You’d probably have more fun if-”
“No. I wouldn’t. Lani, please?”
The two got off the Ferris Wheel and began walking around the carnival. Lani was torn; if she said yes, she’d surely embarrass herself, but if she said no, her on extra night with Jason was gone.
“It’s not that I don’t want to…” she began nervously.
“Fine. Let’s make a bet. I bet I can…” he scanned their surroundings. “Win you that frog.”
Lani turned in the direction Jason was pointing and a huge smile formed on her lips.
“If I win,” Jason continued, smirking his signature smirk, “you have to come with me to the party.”
“I shan’t succumb to thine bribes,” Lani replied, jokingly using older English.
“Afraid I’ll win?”
“No!” Lani snapped. Then she added, “Besides, you wouldn’t really be winning. If I went with you, it’d be no fun. I can’t dance and I find mingling unpleasant.”
“Ah, but you won’t be mingling. You’ll be with me.”
“Yes, because there won’t be any other girls there who will want to party with you,” the brunette said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
“See, I thought of a solution to that, too.”
“Oh? What’s that?”
“We make it a date.”
Lani looked up in surprise. Jason wasn’t looking at her, instead looking upwards at the sky. His cheeks were slightly flushed and he was pointedly ignoring her gaze.
“Well, if you put it like that,” she smiled. “I’ll go.”

What I want to know is: Is Lani too much of a prude? Are too many of her shy, self-doubting characteristics revealed in this one short scene? Is she real or too exaggerated?

1 comment:

  1. I think it sounds really cute. She seems very real to me. She sounds self-conscious which is something that I think most girls have in common.

    ReplyDelete