March 18, 2011

Excerpt of The Mini, Magical Adventure of Arta and Friends

Arta was glad there was no school. It was Saturday a day to relax. So Arta got up later than she usually does for school. She showered, changed, and headed out. She met up with Stella, Musa, and Lacus at the coffee shop in the cafeteria. They grabbed four white chocolate mochas iced with whip cream. They went outside to the picnic table near the cafeteria. As they were chilling and drinking their mochas,

“Ah… a nice day to enjoy some ice mochas and hanging with my friends,” Arta said. They smiled and nodded in agreement.

“I wish everyday was like this,” Musa said. They all sip some of their mochas and glazed at the beautiful view of clear blue skies. A few minutes later, they headed out to downtown to look and buy dresses for homecoming dance. Downtown was only ten minutes away from school. Her family’s business was in downtown. They visited Artitude Inc. but everyone was busy with designing the stage of a fashion show. Artitude Inc. is a business that designs for events, parties, and create products for printing and designing. They have many stores that sell their products. Everyone in Artea loves the events and parties Artitude Inc sponsors for. Every major company in the world would want Artitude Inc as a sponsor for their event or party. Arta, Musa, Lacus, and Stella tried on a lot of dresses. Arta came out of the changing room in a yellow, one strap, and sparkling, long dress she was trying on. Then Lacus says,

“You should totally wear that to the homecoming dance.” Arta says back

“I should, it’s next weekend.” She danced with excitement. So Musa says while changing in the changing room,

“Also we all get to debut our new album and sing it at the dance.” She starts humming one of their songs. Then Stella says,

“I think I’ll wear this dress to the dance, Arta.” Stella came out in an orange, strapless, long and leathery dress. The girls give a thumb up. They bought the dresses they picked. Musa’s dress that she bought was red, long, silky, and straps on the shoulders. The dress Lacus bought was purple, long, straps on the arms and shiny.

Is it a good dialog with detailed description? If not, how can I improve it?

1 comment:

  1. I do like the dialog, it seems to be natural. But you need to work on your tense. You go from past to present multiple times. Try to stick with past.
    Here's a little piece of advice that I think will help you: don't tell the reader, show the reader what's going on, who this character is, what this or that is, and why he or she does that.