This is an excerpt from one of my short stories about a group of teens who work together and are locked in the store one night after closing.
The others were also sending explanatory texts and were silent as they typed. Then Leila looked up from her Intensity 2 and looked around her small group of work friends. Bridgette was slouched over, her short, chestnut hair pushed behind her ears, fiddling with her oversized Patriots jersey. Next to her was Kelly, who had her long, curly brown hair pulled up in a loose bun. She was fixing her black scarf over her yellow shirt so it fell just so, although it was probably just so she had something to do. Sasha sat next to her, her cute flowered tank top and blue cardigan now much cuter without an ugly maroon vest over them. She was using her phone’s screen as a mirror and was reapplying mascara out of annoyance. Darcy sat next to her, her brightly colored school sweatshirt matching her bright, bubbly personality. She was humming quietly and swaying in her seat, surely trying to think of some story to share with the rest of the group. That’s just how she was; it would be just like her to ignore a question that was posed to the group and instead try to think of a way to turn conversation to her. Then there was Adam. Leila couldn’t say he was unattractive; he was tall and lean, but his short, dirty blond hair, average facial features and the dotting of acne across his face, though not terrible, made Leila wonder why so many of the female cashiers found him to be so hot. Regardless, she watched as he looked up at the skylight in the ceiling, clearly bored. Leila then looked down at herself, twirling a lock of her black hair around her index finger. She wore a raspberry colored top under a black zip-up hoodie- her normal RJs attire. Her black Etnies and studded belt were the only personality she allowed in her outfit, considering that personality required effort and effort to get ready for work hadn’t been something she wanted to put in. Honestly, who wanted to go to work on a Saturday night, especially when the place treated their employees like crap, where the customers treated the employees like crap and where problems were expected to happen? And really, what sort of place didn’t value its employees enough to call in security to get them out of the building when they got locked in because of their old, senile manager?
Is this section too wordy? Also, does it give you a good feel for each character and what makes them all different?