The lock was cold, intense, and a tad bit scary. I was sitting with the dog on my bed, her head leaning easily against my pretzel-crossed legs. Pulling the box onto my lap, I studied to lock to try and determine how to unlock it.
I remembered the bobby pins I stuck in my hair that morning, taking one out and inserting it into the keyhole. After playing with it for a moment, the lock finally became loose and dropped to the bed and the lid lifted itself on creaking hinges. Shelby, the worried Shetland she is, hid behind me because of the noise. After petting her to calm her nerves, I returned my attention to the box and slowly peered inside.
A thick leather book was tucked inside, a diary. Imprinted in the leather, which matched that of the box, was the name Pricilla Algerbee. The name was written in flawless cursive, something that made me envy whoever pressed the name into the worn cover. I squeezed the book hard with excitement, then realizing I should be more careful with it.
I opened to the first page, which was written exactly 124 years before.
17 January, 1887
Dear Diary,
My name is Pricilla Algerbee, the new owner of this journal. The year is 1887 and I've just turned 19 years of age. My dearest diary, you are but to be used my me to hold the secrets that could prove the end of humanity in years to come, and therefore you shall be opened and held by another. These secrets are the only ways to protect the human race, and therefore I must burden them upon someone, to whom I shall now address.
I was fascinated, reading the words intensely, wondering what would come next. As Pricilla began to introduce herself, I found myself captivated by her words. And then it struck me: does this mean that I am bound to have to save the world? Pushing the though aside, I reclined into my pillows and began to take in all she had to say.
Very nice beginning to a possible adventure story. I like the fact that you used a diary, it's possibly the easiest tool to use to teach your reader about a character. But a little writters advise for style and sentence structure, to make it flow easier. Her head leaning easily against my pretzel-crossed legs. Watch out for too many adjectives in one sentence, unless you are emphasizing that sentence. Which, in this case you didn't really need to. Also watch out for using two ands in one sentence it just looks sloppy. Finally when there's a sense of wonder and confusion it's critical that you stick to the descriptions that directly link with the main character. So instead of the dog freaking out, because the dog can't read, make it that the main character was hyper noticing the warmth of the dog and the quietness of the room. I think that would be more useful. Other than that, smashing job.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much!! I'll keep that in mind if I decide to further it.
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