Darkness swept across the night like a heavy mist, not a single star lit the way, not even a moon glowed above. The young girl felt her throat choke with sobs. It was so quiet, so desolete. Everything was stark with black.
She did not know how she had made her way here, only that she had heard a violin playing somewhere. No matter how far she walked the noise never got any louder, it stayed at a constant tone; the haunting melody never leaving her ears.
Tears began to form at the corners of her eyes as the panic gripped her chest. The music had guided her out into the middle of nowhere; she feared she might never find her home.
Just as her knees began to give out, the distinct sound of a horse whinnying and the clack of hooves alerted her. She squinted her eyes against the dark, barely able to see a thing. Through the inky dark she could see hope of civilization.
A carriage was approaching, a dim lantern guiding its way. The horse leading it was powerful and as black as the night that surrounded her. The carriage stopped in front of her, the horse bending it’s neck and snorting in her face before nickering in an almost mocking way. The carriage door swung open, she felt a smile cross her face.
A man in an elegant black suit with coat-tails appeared, a top hat sitting attop black hair and a white bird mask covering his face. He strode forward, his cane sticking into the ground next to her as he looked down upon her.
“What are you doing out here?” The man’s voice was quiet, yet powerful. She felt implored to answer this complete stranger.
“I-I heard music, and before I knew it I was lost.” The man seemed surprised by her statement, his other hand was brought to his face in a thinking motion. “Sir?”
He waved his hand to the driver atop the carriage, he was wearing a similar bird mask, however, his was gray instead of a stark white. He pulled a rather large box from next to him and dropped it carelessly next to the other man.
The prim and proper man pulled out a rather intricate dress that was black with dark blue sequins making a ‘V’ shape along the chest. With it was a similar bird mask, this one black with precious gems of diamond and sapphire glittering around the eye-holes.
“Here you are madam. I hope you do not mind attending a party.” The girl felt flustered, never had she been to a party that looked this lavish. She was a simple country girl who had worked all of her life for her family. But she felt excitement bubble up in her chest.
“Of course not, I would be so honored!” She took the dress and skipped behind the trees. She shucked off her own clothes and worked as quickly as possible to put on her new clothes. They fit her perfectly. She untied her braided hair; it cascaded down her shoulders in large brown ringlets and fell against her bare back.
She came out from behind the trees, giggling as she twirled once before standing in front of her savior. He gave her a nod of approval before opening the door for her. What a gentle-man!
She gave another giggle and stepped up into the car of the carriage. The plush red velvet felt comfortable beneath her, much better than any hay wagon she had ever ridden. The man stepped in and the carriage set off immediately.
There were barely any bumps, strange for driving through the middle of a forest. But how could she complain; she was going to a party! Before she knew it, the carriage had stopped as she day-dreamed of how exquisite the ball would be.
“We are here, my lady.” Her large azure eyes blinked in surprised, had she really been that close? The man took her hand in his black clad hands; she felt her chest bubbling in excitement and anxiety.
A gorgeous mansion stood proud over her, colorful lights shining from the painted glass. She felt like she was in a daze as she walked up the stairs, her arm intertwined with the man beside her. Massive oak doors were gaped open, revealing the people below.
Assortments of colors danced over the ballroom below, men wearing tuxes of dark colors while the women wore everything from salmon pink to mint greens. Their faces all wore masks, varying in style from full ornate Venetian masks, to simple cloth masks. They all danced in a playful waltz, never did one of them stray from keeping in perfect synchronization.
“This way, my dear.” Together they descended the red carpet towards the dance floor. Across the room she saw a single figure sitting upon an ornate gold throne with plush cushions of red velvet. The young farm girl could see the figure more clearly as she descended.
No doubt it was a woman, her black and red dress hugging her upper torso as the fringe of the dress changed from black to crimson red and flowed over the floor. She looked almost bored as she watched them dance across the floor.
The moment they reached the marble floor below the song came to an end. All the guests immediately drew their attention to the new guest. The woman on the throne seemed to sense this and walked down the steps towards them, her dress cascading on the stairs behind her like a red waterfall. She felt instantly nervous, not expecting to draw this much attention. She could hear their whispered words around her.
“An outsider.”
“What is an outsider doing here?”
“How old is she? She does not look older that thirteen.”
The woman immediately raised her hand, even without looking at her the crowd was silenced and parted like the Red Sea for what must had been their hostess. She stopped only a few feet from the girl, long black hair falling over her shoulders and almost reaching her legs.
“Ambrose, what is this that you have brought here?” She jumped at how powerful and commanding the smooth voice was. The man next to her, Ambrose, bowed low to the woman in front on them.
“My lady, she heard our music and was trying to find us. I thought of it wise to bring her here. To you.” The woman waved her hand, he moved away without a word. The outsider felt herself shake as the woman circled her, examining her. Stalking her like a predator.
Before she knew it, the lady was in front of her, tipping the girl’s chin up with a grin. “My, my, you are a lovely little thing.” The girl felt herself able to breathe again as the woman looked away from her. “Yes, she will become one of us.”
The girl felt confusion and fear sinking into her chest; something was defiantly not right here. The crowd clapped and cheered happily, all eyes on her. “Umm, miss?” The woman turned to her. “What is this place? And what do you mean by, ‘become one of us’?”
She was shaken by the hearty laugh the ebony haired woman gave, she turned to Ambrose, a sly grin on her face.
“You never told her?”
He shook his head, bowing once again. “I thought it would scare her away. I am sorry for my incompetence if you wanted me to, my lady.” The woman lifted a hand; the man immediately stood up straight and took a few steps back from his counter-part.
“My dear, it is quite simple.” The girl felt her eyes gravitate to the hostess as she walked next to Ambrose. “This is the eternal party. Every night, we dance and enjoy each other’s company.” The girl was suddenly struck by the woman’s eyes; pure black, red rimming white pupils. “We dance forever.” Her body shook at how the last word was dragged out. “Of course there is a price to enjoy such a life.”
Blue questioning eyes turned to Ambrose, he removed his mask, and she was stricken by fear. He had no face, only a pair of black eyes shone out from his pale skin. The woman gave a toothy grin; the wooden door began to shut with a long, drawn out groan.
“You will join us, forever.”
Not a single human being would ever hear her scream.
I really liked all the details there were. The reader can clearly imagine what is going on and what everything looks like. One of my favorite details was the description of the woman from the throne’s eyes. That was creative and you could tell how mysterious and scary she must’ve looked. There was also good detail on the tone of voice of the different characters. I also liked how the reader didn’t know how it was going to end. That was a complete surprise, especially with Ambrose’s face. The title was very good too. I think it fits the story but doesn’t give too much away. Lastly I liked your story in general. There were details, depth to the story, and it was very creative. I don’t have many critiques for this. The only thing I would add would be some description to the girl’s background. Other than that, it is very good.
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