This hot, red fire flows inside me, screams at the top of its lungs. No one can hear my screams. These aren’t screams of sorrow, but screams of anger. No one understands, no one cares; they just float above me, pretending to comprehend. They don’t get the fact that beyond my school life is a living hell.
Little Miss What’s Her Face gets it all. Olivia, little miss princess has her ways. Her outside complex is a small figure, long blonde hair, big brown eyes. Her smiles can comfort the deepest depression in the world, yet her mind doesn’t care. Her goofy, hyper personality can justify you to the same. But you are warned, she may become a hassle. You might believe that she’s a sweet little angel, but deep down inside; lives the daughter of the Devil. Her thoughts are so cruel, you wouldn’t believe your ears if you heard her. She tries her best to sabotage me, finding every little way to hurt me. Soon enough, she will find a way to hurt me deep inside, leaving a mark from the god of hell, never to go away. Yet the parents of mine, doesn’t understand this. They understand she isn’t “perfect” but they say no one is. “Oh, just do this and do that. Help this young child. She has no one, it would mean a lot to us if you do.” Blah, blah, blah is what I hear from them.
The fire intensifies. The yells, the screams, the cries, falls in deeper than before. My dreams are in the depths of hell, her body surrounded by dark flames, reds, blacks, color of blood. Blood drips from her face. “Even in your dreams, I will hurt you. I know you at your weakest. You will never win. You will lose, fall on you knees and cry. No one will hear you, care for you. If you let me, I will make this quick, if not, you will die in pain slowly.”
What do you think of this story? What thoughts pop in your head when you read this? What could i do to make this part better?
First of all, I really like all the detail there is. There are a lot of creative details about what the sister looks like and there are good details about the older sister’s feelings towards Olivia. I especially liked the first line. “This hot, red fire flows inside me, screams at the top of its lungs” makes the reader want to continue reading. The first thought that came to my head when reading was that I’m glad she isn’t my sister. The only thing I could think of to add would be some description of the older sister but if this is only an excerpt, it might be in the rest of the story. I really liked your story and thought it was really creative.
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