October 8, 2010

Detail from a Story

The rain poured down hard against the glass windows, making each droplet seem as if they were going to smash through the windows. Through the heavy pouring, the sound of thunder was faintly heard soon after lightning struck through the sky. A small streak of moonlight illuminated through the crying clouds and it just lit up a patch of flowers outside that were planted right in front of the line of trees which was the forest. There was a smell of fresh lilies in the air and every time I moved it was as if I could feel the air move around me like water. Slowly I turned my violet eyes toward a mirror beside me and from this I saw everything surrounding me before I even saw myself. Below my feet was the glistening white tiled floor where each foot was a new tile. Meeting the shining floor was the marble walls and a few marble pillars which all came together at the ceiling. Each window was in the shape of a hexagon but was a few feet tall and wide, allowing sight for any heighted person.




Across from one of the pillars was a marble fireplace that had several logs inside and was now a roaring fire. A few feet in front of the fire was a large red Victorian couch with a darkened wooden structure. In each corner of the room was an indoor tree that reached to the ceiling and had its leaves and branches dangle down. Directly behind the pillar that was across from the couch was a large glass door that slid to each side. Hanging from the ceiling was a large glass chandelier and the light shined down on my complexion making me appear paler. Beside this glass door was the mirror that I was now staring into with wide eyes as my appearance came into view.




My dark silver hair was tied in the back in the style of a fancy bun while my bangs were free and laid down in front of my eyes. There was a faint shade of makeup covering my natural beauty and it made my eyes look like a brighter shade of violet then they really were. Held onto my body by thin spaghetti straps was a knee long purple sundress that seemed to bring out the color of my eyes. Everything I wore seemed to want to bring out the shade of my eyes and I could only smooth out the dress with fascination before running my hand over my face. The makeup didn’t smear or even feel as if it were applied on.




Suddenly a loud crack of thunder shook the room and I jumped startled. A soft chuckle came from the Victorian couch and slowly I walked over, my bare feet feeling the relaxing coldness of the tiles. My eyes landed on a familiar face and a soft gasp escaped from me with awe. He wore light flexible black shoes and tight black pants that seemed to be more formal than casual. There was an old fashioned coat he wore, which was long sleeved but low cut and followed his ribcage before the tail of his coat flared out behind. Under this coat to cover the rest of his skin was a black tank-top. These clothes fit his slim physique well and gave him the impression that he was quite flexible.




His face was the clearest complexion ever seen before and was as smooth as a baby’s skin. Almost covering his deep blue eyes was his rugged black hair which fell towards the floor as he tilted his head back and looked at me. He had the face of a god and was indeed the most gorgeous man my eyes have ever laid upon. A small smile tugged at his perfect lips and there was a burst of life in his eyes for a brief moment. “Scared of a little thunder now, are we?” The voice that came from him was that of an angel and resonated through the entire room, knocking the surroundings from my mind and only allowed there to be us two here at the moment.




This is actually part of a book I wrote over the summer. I was wondering if you could see what I was trying to describe and if you had any suggestions. Perhaps there's too much detail?

1 comment:

  1. I really liked all the description. I could really imagine what the character was seeing and feeling. I also liked all the detail there was on the main character about her makeup, eyes, and dress. I was a little confused with, "My dark silver hair". It sounds like she is an older person with gray hair but with the other descriptions, it sounds like she is a young woman. With that, a little thing to add might be her age. Other than that I really liked all the description on the main character and the man. I don't think you can have too much detail, the more detail, the better. I also liked the description of the weather and room. You can imagine what is happening outside and what the character is seeing. Something I think people forget is to include what the character is hearing. There is a lot of description about what the character is hearing, which helps the reader understand what’s going on even more. Other than the age, I think this story is really good.

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