Hey guys im still working on this peice and would love some more comments i am trying to work on describing the characters out slowly but im getting there. Thanks for reading! :)
As I get myself situated I hear mom asking me a question.
“Hey Sweetie How was school?” Mom talking innocently.
“It was alright, you know. The usual.”
“Ah I see well did you at least have a good day?”
“Yes, it was alright.” Speaking in an annoyed tone.
“So how was work Hun?” Dad asks mom thoughtfully.
I drift out of the conversation and turn my attention to my brother Jake.
Who is sitting across from me at the dinner table?
“It happened again.” I said quietly.
“What did?” Jake Asked concerning.
“He followed me home from school again.”
“He probably just like you is all, take it as a complement.”
“But it’s weird. It’s like has stalking me or something.”
“No he’s not. If you want I can talk to him for you.”
“No!” I screamed “Don’t do that! I’ll just ignore it. Ok?”
“Fine it’s your problem if he starts to get out of control.”
“I can handle it by myself. Thank you very much.”
After dinner I take my turn with cleaning the dishes. Its not the most fun job in the world, but hey
Someone has to do it. Before a start, I put up my hair. It’s straight and long Brown with hints of blond
Scattered about. I put my hands into the steaming, soapy water and start washing the plates, I looked
Up slightly and peered out of the window where I saw my reflection staring back at me I could just
Beyond it looking into the evergreens where he was again just standing there watching me. It stared
Blankly into my eyes. Somewhat of a cold stare, He seemed peaceful though. I hurried through the rest
Of the dishes looking up and out the window occasionally checking to see if he was still watching me.
When I finally finished I quickly ran up to my room and put on my boots and my jacket, then ran downstairs and out the kitchen door. I heard my dad yell something at me but I ignored and kept walking. I walked fast towards the trees hoping that he would still be there waiting for me, watching me from afar. As i approach the trees there is nothing not a soul in sight just empty dark space. Then i look down in to the pile of melting snow and see a glimpse of what looks like a note...
I really like the ending of your story and I liked how you don't know what's going to happen next. I also like how you connected this scene with whatever will come next. The note on the ground could help connect this with the rest of the story instead of just ending it with the person watching her no where in sight. I think you could have some more detail. When the character is talking to her brother, there could be description about her brother. There could be something similar to, I drift out of the conversation and turn my attention to my brother Jake, my (whatever age) year old brother. Then there could be something about what he looks like. Also, when the main character is talking to her parents it might work better if there is some detail thrown in somewhere about what they look like. There were some grammar and spelling issues but that is not a big deal, and can easily be fixed. I think if you add some detail and fix the spelling issues, the story will be great!
ReplyDeleteAt first I'm thinking 'oh, a horror story!' But it took a very different direction, and the cliffhanger is absolute torture! What happens next?
ReplyDelete