This is a story i wrote about two girls. This was writin just to open a story a friend and i are working on. Any Critiques could be great.
Rain spattered onto the stone streets, pouring from grey clouds that littered the sky and sheltering the silver moon from the rest of the world. The sound of horse shoes on stone rang around the silent square where only a few women with their men walked with elegant black umbrellas. The date was October 6th, 1403. It was the birthday of the Antoinet twins, the two richest girls in London. All expected the twins to be rude, and stuck up but the Antoinet twins were just the opposite. Today was their nineteenth birthday and they were riding upon Horse Carriage to their wedding. The twins decided to hold their wedding together on their birthday. Only the weather disagreed with their marriage.
Cecelea, the first twin, was to marry a man by the name Sir Laurence of the Beyfaong family. He was a royal just like the twins and he was twenty. He had a younger brother by the name Sir William Beyfaong who was only a year younger than his brother, Laurence. William was nineteen, just like the girls but three months older than them. Sir William was to be Cecelea’s sister, Celecea’s husband.
The girls were perfectly fine with whom they were marrying. It was not a set marriage where their dear mother, Marry, and their dear father, Jonathan, had planned with Robert Beyfaong, the father of the boys. Cecelea had met her man first. It was the most romantic way, just the way she wanted it to be.
She met him in an apple orchard with green and red apples all around. He had come up to her then and helped her reach one apple; it was as she would have said “love at first sight.” Her sister had it slightly different but just as romantic as she wished it to be. Celecea met her man at her favorite park. She was reading Romeo and Juliet under a cherry blossom tree. The petals fell all around her in a shower of beauty as a voice rang out. He was reciting the words from the very book she was reading. The two met eyes and fell in love.
The driver cracked out his whip and the horse paused with a whinny. He jumped down from his seat upon the carriage and walked to the side of it where he pulled open the door. “My ladies,” he said bowing to the twins inside. Both were dressed in their wedding gowns and were ready for the ceremony.
They are way to perfect. I'm having trouble thinking of them as human. I like how you brought sounds into the descriptions. The driver cracking out his whip, and how the rain splatters. Very good description. I also like the line about the clouds littering the sky.
ReplyDeleteI like how descriptive your story is. You can clearly imagine what is going on and what you would see and hear. I also liked how it went back in time to tell you how the girls met their husbands. Sometimes people do that but forget to add detail or description to it but you didn’t and I thought it was really good. I also think that they are too perfect. You could start by saying how great their lives are and how lucky they are to have great fiancés and not a set marriage but then you could continue the story by having something bad happen. You said the weather disagreed with their wedding. To me that sounds like foreshadowing. You could use that and have the weather ruin the wedding day, or something along those lines. I really liked this and thought it was really descriptive and creative.
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