This is a quick action scene I wrote while trying to develop a story...any critique would be helpful.
She ran over to me, full force, and launched herself towards me. Her body collided with me, and I fell flat on my back, the wind being knocked out of me. Before I could even try to take another breath, her fist collided with my nose, instantly breaking it. A loud crack rang in my ears, followed by intense pain. Something - I guessed it was blood - came rushing out from my nose, pouring down my chin.
I flinched as her hand pulled back again, and slapped me across the cheek. My head turned to the side, my nose hurting even more. My whole body was pinned under hers, making it impossible to move.
She inched down to sit on my legs, leaving my torso exposed. My hands were still pinned under her legs. She pulled her now-bloody fist back again, and connected it with my stomach. My stomach flipped, threatening to release all of its contents. I swallowed hard, trying to break free.
The girl jumped off of me, but before I could move she rapidly kicked me in my torso. I let out a cry for help, my body aching all over. The girl ran, leaving me bloody and bruised on the cement. With a shaking hand, I reached up to my nose where it was going sideways, with blood still pouring out. I moved my side, feeling many possibly broken ribs. I groaned, praying that someone would come find me soon.
My first reaction to this was, "Damn..." At first, I was confused, because I thought the girl that was running towards you was going to be a friend. I obviously figured out that she was clearly an enemy after she landed a fist in your character's face. I do like the detail in this piece, however. It was very easy for me to picture the scene and the mean girl kicking the other girl's ass. I actually cringed a little bit in the beginning when you talk about the crack noise the broken nose makes. There is great detail describing the fight. What I don't understand is why is that girl beating you up? Who is she? And why doesn't your character fight back? Maybe if you ever consider adding on to this piece, you can explain who that girl was. Or maybe you could have someone come find the girl that got beat up. I like the tone of this passage and the overall story, nice work.
ReplyDeleteI really like all the description you have. I could clearly picture what was happening to the girl. I also thought the girl running was the other girl’s friend but then I realized she was running to beat the other girl up. It was easy to realize she was not a friend after she started to beat up the other girl. I had a few questions when reading though. I was wondering why the girl did not fight back. I know it says her hands were under her legs but I think if I was getting beaten up I would do anything to get my arms out from underneath my legs and fight back. I would do what ever I could to get the girl off of me and stop her from hitting me. I was also wondering why the girl was getting beaten up. There was good description of the fight but not much background.
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